I solved the World Cup Officiating Problem. Four Years Ago. Here’s how:
(2006) I’d never really watched much soccer before this World Cup, it’s actually very entertaining. I know many of you may not have much of a background in soccer, or ‘futbol’, as its called, so I thought I’d put together this brief tutorial for you. In the World Cup, each country gets together its very best, highly-talented and skilled male models to play against another country’s male models. It doesn’t
matter the country- Portugal, Ghana, Brazil, England- they all come straight out of an Abercrombie & Fitch catalog. David Beckham is the rule, not the exception. It’s a little known fact here in the States, but the entrance to the field from the locker rooms is actually a catwalk, which the players traverse after watching Zoolander to get pumped up for the match.
It’s very important to be good-looking, because the most important skill- more important even than running, kicking, or even breathing- is getting sympathy from the refs. I’ve not yet seen a World Cup match that wasn’t in some part decided by the officials making a bad call. What happens is, a player from team A runs within 10 to 15 feet of a player from team B, trips on thin air, then writhes in pain and desperate agony on the ground with his hands covering his face. (“Oh, no, we can’t see the pretty man’s face!” yells the crowd.) The referee then crosses the field to where the player from team B is standing, and holds up either a yellow card or a red card, depending on how wide the grimace is of the player from team A. The player from team A was inevitably ‘attacked’ near his opponent’s goal, so he gets a free kick from within 3 feet of the helpless goalie. It’s amazing how the game works. But its not really the players’ faults. They have to act this way, because if they don’t, the other team will, and they’ll end up getting blown out by devastatingly one-sided scores like 2-0. However, I do have a solution to this problem, and I’m going to send it on to soccer’s governing body of FIFA (complete name: FI-FA-FO-FUM). Instead of just having yellow and red cards, the refs can also have a blue, water colored “cry-me-a-river” card. After a player flops, the ref can run up to him, shove the blue card in his face, and tell him in his language of choice to stop being a cry-baby. After a player receives 3 blue cards, he is forced to grow a pencil-thin mustache, which will invariably make him less good-looking (except in France), therefore limiting his ability to get endorsement deals from Adidas. Problem solved.